


Never More Cruel

by dawnstruck



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Español | Translation in Spanish, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 21:59:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5107184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawnstruck/pseuds/dawnstruck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata starts fading away from him, and Kageyama tells himself that he doesn't mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never More Cruel

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Nunca es mas cruel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5691283) by [Datenshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Datenshi/pseuds/Datenshi), [dawnstruck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawnstruck/pseuds/dawnstruck)



> I wrote this because I wanted to explore how insecure Kageyama must be about himself for various reasons. Because yes, he has successfully intergrated himself as a team player at Karasuno, but he is obviously still having trouble with the social aspects. Hinata is sort of his bridge to connect to the rest of the team. Without Hinata Kageyama would suddenly find himself rather isolated and I wanted to see what that would do to him.  
> Also, I like to make fictional teenage boy suffer.
> 
> EDIT: This work has also being translated into Spanish at http://archiveofourown.org/works/5691283?style=creator

 

“ _Loneliness is never more cruel_

_than when it is felt in close propinquity_

_with someone who has ceased to communicate_.”

Germaine Greer

 

On the bus, Hinata claims the seat next to Nishinoya or Yachi. He doesn't come to find Kageyama during break, apparently preferring to spend lunch in the presence of his classmates, instead of sharing his bento or practicing receives with Kageyama.

He doesn't send him inane texts in the middle of the night or links to not really funny vines. He doesn't invite him over to watch games on tv or really bad action movies. After training, they don't squabble over soda pops and meat buns. In the morning, Hinata is no longer there to race him to the gym, and Kageyama's victory count idles meaninglessly at exactly 77.

So he drags his feet over the weed-covered ground between the gate and the gym, purses his lips and clutches the strap of his bag, telling himself that he doesn't care.

He's used to not having friends, never had been the kind of kid that struck of conversations with people at bus stops or just invited other boys from the neighborhood to play video games. But he had always had his teammates, and daily practice was generally enough to satisfy his very limited need for human interaction. And apart from that, there had been manga and the internet and his sport magazines and his parents, so sleepovers and birthday parties had never really entered the equation.

So no, he had never minded being alone. But maybe that's simply because he's only now figuring out what it means to be lonely.

The problem is that Kageyama can't figure out what he has done wrong. He doesn't think he has been particularly mean to Hinata lately. He hasn't broken anything that belongs to Hinata, hasn't stolen any of his food, hasn't called him particularly vicious names, hasn't complained about his performance during training.

And Hinata hasn't said anything either. Hasn't complained right on the spot, like he used to, hasn't yelled loudly or muttered off to the side, hasn't glared at him, hasn't done anything to express his anger or discontent.

So Kageyama finds himself at a loss at what to do about it.

Usually, when he is incensed he has no problem voicing his opinion, but that doesn't mean that he is exactly good with words. And since there has been no confrontation so far, Kageyama has no idea of how to bring the subject up himself.

Hey, Hinata, he imagines himself saying, What have I done?

Hey, Hinata. What can I do?

Hey, Hinata. Why do you hate me?

It's okay, Kageyama tells himself. We were never really friends. Teammates, yes. The freak duo, yes. But never friends.

At least volleyball isn't suffering from it. Their quick still works, so the senpai don't even have a reason to interfere with whatever is going on.

Hinata himself seems unchanged. He doesn't much talk to Kageyama anymore, says little in his presence at all, but sometimes Kageyama thinks he can feel Hinata's eyes on him, when his back is turned, when he is changing in the club room, when he is mopping the floor in the gym.

It must be my fault, Kageyama thinks.

It's not with like Kitagawa Daiichi when he had just been abandoned during the middle of a match and for, retrospectively speaking, sufficient reason, a deep cut, a painful lesson.

Hinata just gradually fades away from him, pulling his presence from Kageyama's life like the sun disappearing behind the tree tops, leaving behind cold and dark and night.

“When is Hinata-kun coming over again?” his mother asks him over dinner, “I haven't seen him in a while.”

“Where's your better half, your Majesty?” Tsukishima taunts slyly, Yamaguchi by his side as he always is.

Kageyama doesn't answer them, just ducks his head and acts like he doesn't even know who they are talking about.

A lot of the time he feels weird now, lies awake in his bed for half of the night and then feels dreadfully heavy and empty in the morning. He sits at home and stares at the screen of his phone, wondering how he used to spent his evenings.

He tries to study on his own, but keeps thinking about how Hinata is probably studying with Yachi instead. He fails his next test and his teacher gives him a disappointed look.

That's alright, though. Kageyama knows disappointment already.

But he does not give up easily. Failure does not beat him down, but makes him tenacious instead.

The guys from his middle school had never believed that he'd ever become a team player, but then he had managed just fine, if a little awkwardly at times. He had been humbled by the experience, but he had adapted. Karasuno had needed a setter who replied to their needs. He just needed to figure out what was needed for this situation.

He decides to be nicer to Hinata, just to see what will happen and because it seems like he has nothing left to lose. But it only seems to make things worse.

Kageyama takes care to send him really great tosses and tries to be more liberal with his praise, but Hinata only purses his lips and mumbles a vague reply.

Kageyama claims he is not hungry after training, offers Hinata his meat bun. Hinata shakes his head quickly and then just hurries along, sidling up next to Noya. Tanaka ends up eating the bun and Kageyama goes home hungry.

That night, he lies in bed once more, staring up into the dark, thinking.

He's been friendless for all fifteen years of his life. He doesn't need friends, no matter what his mother or his teacher back at grade school said. And he had always thought that he could gladly go on like that, through high school and maybe college and eventually at work and whatever else may come.

But what is so colossally more daunting is the thought of doing it all without Hinata. Without his stupid jokes and his loud voice, his bright smiles and pointless text messages.

The third-years will graduate soon and that's kind of a bummer, but Kageyama is not broken up about it. Nishinoya and Tanaka could leave and that would be seriously shitty for the team, but Kageyama himself wouldn't really be affected. Tsukishima could get run over by a bus and Kageyama would probably do a happy little dance right there on the sidewalk.

But Hinata. With Hinata it's all so different.

He tries to imagine what it would have been like if his relationship with Hinata had not died a creeping shadowy death, if they spent all three years of high school together and graduated like that. They wouldn't just part ways afterwards, would they?

He imagines Hinata leaving the team for whatever reason, imagines still going to practice because he loves volleyball. But it still wouldn't be the same. What is the point of bettering himself if there is no one who can take him at his best and make it more dazzling still?

He imagines Hinata getting run over by a bus, right in front of his eyes and-

A small whimper escapes him without his consent and he quickly rolls over to smother everything and himself in his pillow.

Anything - Hinata ignoring him, Hinata hating him, Hinata spitting in his face – anything would be better than Hinata being dead.

Why is that? Why can't Kageyama just accept things as the are, why can't he shun Hinata back, why can't he resent and loathe or just not give a shit? Why-

Because he's not just a teammate, Kageyama realizes then. He's not just a friend. He's not just a guy who spikes really well. He's not just his rival. He's not just his companion on the way to victory.

Hinata is what Kageyama looks forward to in the morning, even when there is no training that day. Hinata is what makes him obsessively check his phone because he thinks there might be a new text. Hinata is what makes him not mind study sessions because at least they are in it together.

Hinata makes defeat bearable and victory simply _more_.

And Kageyama doesn't want to be in love, but it's not like his heart is just going to listen.

 

The next morning brings Saturday practice and Kageyama twines his fingers around the drawstring of his hoodie, feeling wholly out of his depth. The club room is already open, the senpai gone to unlock the gym. Kageyama steps into the familiar musty scent of the club room, bag dangling at his side, only to draw up short.

“H-hey,” he greets awkwardly when he finds Hinata in front of him.

Hinata just gives a curt nod.

“Un,” he says, avoiding Kageyama's gaze, and then already slips past him, out of the door, out of his reach.

I'll try again, Kageyama convinces himself. I'll just have to try again.

When he makes it there, the gym is already bustling with activity as everyone is setting up the nets, getting the ball cart out.

“Looks like everything is taken care of already,” he comments casually, stepping up from behind Hinata.

The other boy visibly startles, twirling around and staring at him with wide eyes, but nothing in reply, not a single drop where there used to be a torrent of words, as though the source of it had just slowly dried out, a bleak desert now instead of a jungle.

Kageyama swallows and wonders what to do. Hesitantly, he tries for a smile.

If possible, Hinata's eyes widen even more, but then he is already stumbling back, turning on his heel and making a dash for the storage room.

Kageyama, hurt and hopeless, remains behind.

 

He messes up during training. He almost never messes up during training, but today is so bad that after barely half an hour Ukai signals to Daichi and then the Captain is already pulling him aside.

“Why don't you sit this one out, Kageyama,” Daichi instructs good-naturedly.

It's neither an offer nor an order. It's a statement. You play badly, you sit out. You fuck up the team dynamic, you get benched. You fall in love with people who obviously can't stand you, you forfeit everything that's ever meant something to you.

He gives Daichi a mute nod and then goes to lean against the wall by the open gym door, far enough away from Yachi and Shimizu and Takeda and Ukai that they won't come to ask him what's wrong.

So he just watches as Hinata spikes Sugawara's toss, as he high-fives Nishinoya, as he jumps on Tanaka's back, as he blushingly accepts Asahi's praise and exchanges insults with Tsukishima.

With sudden clarity Kageyama realizes that he's only not wanted, but that he's also not needed. He could get run over by a bus and Hinata would simply not care. It's as easy as that.

Kageyama blinks slowly and then pushes away from the wall, swerving to the left and making his way out the door back to the club room. But once he makes it there he doesn't know what to do, whether he should just get changed again and go home, to feign illness and go to the nurse, to punch the lockers until his fists are shaking and his knuckles bleeding.

He doesn't make a conscious decision so much as just sliding down along the wall and sitting there, knees drawn up to his chest, face buried in his folded arms.

Stupid, he tells himself. Why had he tried to smile? Hinata had always told him how scary and forced his smile looked; it wouldn't just have changed over night. Hinata thought he was a bastard and that his face was ugly and that he had a weird obsession with milk and that he listened to really shitty music and that his favorite professional player was totally overrated and that Kageyama was definitely the worst person to ever exist.

Those were all things he had said out loud, more than once.

But he had also said he liked how studying with Kageyama was okay because he never felt like he was being judged, that he liked the smell of Kageyama's shampoo and that his blue hoodie suited him really well. And he had caught Kageyama singing once and, instead of making fun of him, he had joined right in, and then there was that time when he had pulled off a really great spike and he had taken Kageyama's hand afterwards, pressed his palm against his chest where his heart was beating wildly.

That's you, he had said with that wondrous smile, That's all you.

And suddenly Kageyama can't hold the tears in any longer.

Because who does that? Who is basically glued to your side and touches you and talks to you and acts like you are maybe the best thing ever – and then drops you without any consideration, as though you were dirty and just not worth it?

He thinks back to the beginning of their friendship when they had been banned from the gym until that first match, how the two had tried to get it together in order to act more like teammates.

That had been it then, right? Hinata wanting to play volleyball so badly that he went above and beyond their upperclassmen's expectations and ostensibly befriended Kageyama. But it had all been fake and now even Hinata couldn't take the farce anymore.

Figures. No one ever actually liked Kageyama. His talent as a setter had only ever redeemed him to a certain extent, but now he was stranded once more.

He can hear footsteps coming closer from outside and then someone is stepping into the room, but he doesn't look up to see who it is, not wanting to reveal is tear-hot face.

“Hey,” Hinata says, sounding slightly strained, “You ready to come back?”

A shake of his head.

“Uh,” Hinata says, “Are you okay?”

A nod. He's not okay, of course, but he doesn't need Hinata to find out about that.

“Come on,” Hinata nudges him lightly with his foor, “Suga-san told me to check up on you.”

Of course. Hinata would never choose to look for him on his own.

“Go away,” Kageyama just says, hating how his voice breaks.

“Hey!” Hinata complains and then crouches down in front of him, leaning closer, even as Kageyama curls farther in on himself.

“... Are you crying?” Hinata asks in disbelief, but Kageyama doesn't answer, doesn't even have to.

“It's okay to mess up during training,” Hinata tells him hurriedly, as though something as stupid as that would destroy him to such a degree, “I mess up all the time, remember?”

Kageyama tries to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“The others are not here so you don't have to pretend,” he manages to say.

“Huh?” Hinata asks in confusion.

“You don't have to spend time with me outside of the gym or- or act like you care,” he clarifies, biting his lower lip to keep in the sob that threatens to erupt, “I get it, okay? So just- just leave me alone.”

“What? No, why would I do that?” Hinata stammers out, sounding bewildered.

“Don't lie!” Kageyama grits out, “You've been avoiding me for weeks. You barely talk to me anymore, you don't even look me in the eye and we never meet outside of training. So you don't have to act like you are my friend or something. You can just... fuck off.”

He trails off, emptied of tears and anger.

Hinata, however, finally seems to understand what he is talking about.

“No, Bakayama!” he hurries to says, “I've just- I still wanna be you friend! But I just- I can't-”

“See!” Kageyama insists, “You can't. There's something that- If you're just doing this for the team then you can shove it, I don't need your pity or whatever, I don't need anyone.”

But if he can't even play volleyball on his own, then he is pretty sure that life doesn't work that way either.

“No, you stupid-,” Hinata swears a little helplessly, “I- I'm- It's not your fault, okay, I mean, you're kind of the reason, but it's not your fault. It's just that I'm- I've- this is such shitty situation-”

His voice is dropping into a whisper now and for some reason that is finally what makes Kageyama glance up, his eyes swollen, cheeks tender with salt.

“Just say what your problem is, you moron,” he croaks out spitefully, only to have a heated glare directed at him.

“Fine!” Hinata yells, all huffy and cross, “I've fallen in love with you, okay?!”

The words hang between them like paper lanterns at the end of a summer festival, hollow, lightless.

Hinata tucks his chin against his chest, suddenly sounding small.

“That's why I've been avoiding you,” he admits reluctantly, “That's why... why I kind of couldn't really talk to you anymore.”

Kageyama stares, trying to make sense of any of that and how it fits into the picture of reality he had built over the course of the past few weeks.

In manga, people are often so straight forward about being in love. They waltz up to the other person and boldly declare their feelings, with flowers or chocolates or pretty letters.

Why on earth has Hinata been doing the exact opposite of that, behaving like Kageyama was some sort of terrible plague?

“I was embarrassed,” he mumbles now, a blush creeping into his cheeks, “And I thought if you found out you'd think it's gross or weird and it would make things awkward and then volleyball wouldn't work anymore and the others would complain.”

“You think the situation right now is any better?” Kageyama hisses, but it seems that he is not quite over his breakdown yet, so he just cuts himself off with another, “You idiot!”

And then he starts crying anew.

“Nonono,” Hinata says hurriedly, his hands fluttering about nervously like he doesn't know what to do with them, whether to touch him or not, “Why are you crying, _I_ should be crying this is a very emotional moment for me-”

“I thought you hated me,” feebly Kageyama tries to wipe away his tears with his forearm, “And then you go and are in love with me, too?”

“Well, excuse you, it's not like I-” Hinata blinks, stills, “Wait, what? Who else is in love with you?”

“No, you stupid- stupid-,” Kageyama can't even say swear through all his sobbing, “I'm in love with _you_!”

“Ooh,” Hinata says slowly, as though the answer to the meaning of life had suddenly been revealed to him, “That makes more sense.”

“No, it doesn't,” Kageyama sniffs, feeling contrary, “Why do I have to fall for the biggest moron in the entire prefecture?”

“I've been asking myself the same question, y'know,” Hinata mumbles.

The sit like this for a moment, just sort of looking each other, and Kageyama is kind of hyper-focused on how to sniff the snot back into his nose without making too much of a disgusting noise, wishing he could do the same with his tears.

And then Hinata is suddenly throwing his arms around him, pulling him close cradling Kageyama's bowed head against his chest. And Hinata is tiny but in that moment, as Kageyama can feel his heartbeat thrumming against his eyelids, he feels much smaller in comparison.

“Stupid Bakayama,” Hinata says quietly, “You're a dumbass and a meanie, but I like you anyway, okay, and I would never, never _ever_ hate you.”

And finally, finally the realization of that really settles in, expanding inside of his chest as though someone had spilled hot chocolate there.

Hinata doesn't hate him. Hinata _loves_ him. They love each other. That's really... really kind of perfect, isn't it?

So he lifts his head to look up at Hinata, and his face feels all messed up from all the crying and shouting and tongue-biting, but a smile quivers its way onto his lips and stays there.

Hinata makes a strangled noise and reels back a little, staring. But then a heavy blush spreads in his cheeks and he fumbles around, trembles, his hands coming up to touch Kageyama's face, thumb gently rubbing the crusted salt from his lashes, tracing the edge of his cheekbone, unable to properly look him in the eye-

And Kageyama gets it now, gets that maybe his smile isn't scary at all, that it makes Hinata go all weird and funny inside, just like Hinata's smile does to him. So Kageyama's smile only widens at that and his arms come up to close around Hinata, and it's the best feeling ever because he hasn't gotten to touch him in weeks now, so this is like a salvation.

“I love you,” he says experimentally, surprised by how easy and comfortable the words feel on his tongue.

Hinata lets out a little giggle, seeming kind of overwhelmed by everything, but then he just ducks down and kisses Kageyama, right on the mouth.

Okay, this, Kageyama corrects himself. _This_ is the best feeling ever. And he is pretty sure that's it's only going to get better from now on.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I had like an urgent need for Kageyama to have a solitary break-down and I quite like how it turned out. Let me know if you enjoyed it as well!


End file.
